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2007-05-20 - 3:17 p.m.

Lately I've been thinking about how life is so much better than when I was doing my undergrad for 5+ years. There were good moments of course, but mostly I was lonely, depressed, stressed, overworked and broke. Some of those things had a direct correlation to some serious issues at home that were never dealt with before I left for college, and some were simply a result of the type of life I was leading...trying to do everything and obtaining weak results in all because I only had so much time and energy to provide to any one thing at a time.

I have been doing temp work for probably eight months now. I don't mind it--I like the variety and the experience I get from the different jobs I do. My current assignment is my best one yet. It's interesting, I'm learning a lot and the people are generally nice. I don't think this position will be permanent, even if they offered it to me I'd probably turn it down. I'm going to be taking classes beginning in late August and will probably try to find something with flexible hours or a second shift job, as unfortunately all of the classes take place during the day, no night stuff is offered.

Personally I'm still a bit lonely as I'm getting older now, and friends have moved away or have gotten married. I feel kind of like a loser sometimes living in a place where people get married so early. Everyone at my job is married or in a serious relationship, as are many people I meet. I'm nowhere close to having a serious relationship. Part of the reason is I've been quasi-involved with basically one man for almost 10 years. I think both of us feel the same way--we have deep feelings for each other, but we desire a certain amount of freedom. It isn't even about going out with other people, because I rarely date and I dont think he does much either. Another reason is that often the men I fall for are unavailable in some manner. The final bit is that I'm inherently a restless person in many areas of my life. I want security and dependability but I also want the freedom to explore what's out there. Perhaps eventually I will want a more stable life and the restlessness will subside. But until then, things will be business as usual, and I'm not sure that's an entrirely bad thing.

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